finding it hard to live

hey bro. to be honest things happen in life that sometimes you can never avoid. you could have saved someone else from being hurt from this person or you could have stopped that person from suffering. you have to understand wheather you believe things happen for a reason or not they still happen even if you can or cant avoid it. dont be so hard on yourself. we are not going to be able to understand every situation that we will have to face in life. you cant change what happend but you can change yourself for the better. honestly taking a life isnt one of your everyday things. im in the military and i can never imagine hurting people period. even in fights or arguments… im very passive but at the same time im so aggressive at times i dont see where it comes from. try to understand yourself rather than judge yourself. pray about it be about it. hit me up if you ever want to talk something off

Bi-Polar

I can remember as young as about 10 yrs old the feelings of isolation and lonliness. i used to dispise my siblings for their ability to express their feelings towards my parents. always on the shy side in school and other events. never really having more than one friend at a time. i was small for my age and year ahead in school than that of my peers. this was no help at all. especially for a shy reserve child. i was the kid EVERY one picked on. as the years went by unable to make friends easily i attempted to devert negative attention from me by being a class clown. the result was teacher conferences and beatings (really on spankings but a kid always interpets as a beating). i am not againts a parent spanking thier child and do wish more parents today would be a stricked as mine were. ( if they only new how bad i really was as a teen i would still be on restriction 30 yrs later) since the class clown wasn’t working i let my grades fall. there is nothing that gets a bully to pick on you faster than when you are both smarter and smaller than he. i rather catch a little hell from the folks about my grades dipping a bit, than the constant humiliation at school from the bullies. ( besides i only let them slip a little, i kept them at c’s and b’s.. i found that if i didnt do home work the 0’s would always bring my gpa down). by the time i was in my early teens i started to notice the opposite sex, a little more than usual. problem, as i’m sure as with most boys, is how to talk to them. problem solved, just go steady with any girl that liked me, hell beggars cant be choosey. did not know that this mind set training would affect the rest of my life and cause more problems than you could imagine. now in juinor high and really noticing girls ALOT, comes that special problem all boys have when they hit a certain age of puberty. done tah dah done.. uncontrollable erections. ( this is why guys carry thier books down and girls carry them up, its easy to hide a stiffy when you can conceal with a book) so now that im hairier and sporting a cheesy mustash comes the time i lose my virginity. i wish i could say it was with the prettiest girl in the school but the benifits in which i lost it to the knowledged gained out ways the fantasy of the head cheerleader. she was my mother’s friend, not too bad looking of a woman i think she was in her late 30’s or early 40’s either way about 2 decads and a half older than me.i was over her house, swimming in her pool. on no special day she aproached me and asked if i wanted to have sex. of course being embarrased as hell i said no and then said i had to go. my body said other wise ( that uncontrollable thing again) i she then asked if i ever had sex before, i just shook my head and kept my eyes deverted. she then took me by the hand and led me inside where she taught me ALL kinds of things that i could never dream of. four months of weekly lessons then my teacher left (damn military)i never loved her, but as a kid and getting laid, it was great and the skills helped me ALOT as an adult.( hey, i have 2 strikes against me, i am white and irish = 6inch pecker ..nothing to brag about, have to make up in other areas, ie. prowless, stamina, and technique) after a nice growth spurt over the summer. i entered my high school years at about 5’10" but only at about 140 lbs. yay, a whole new bunch of bullies to deal with. after 3 years in middle school with out any friend i finally met a friend in high school. he too was a military brat so we had something in common. made it to the 11th grade before his family moved, now no friend again. no one to vent to after a day of name calling getting pushed arround or stuffed in a locker. well the locker thing didnt happen as much any more i was getting too big to fit. i never participated in school activities as that isolation thing that i was soo fond of kept me from being social. girlfriends didnt last long either i would bounce from girl to girl. ( that thing if she liked me then i liked her) bad news was that i was getting a reputation that i didnt know about. girls talk. and they talk about thier boyfriends and what they are doing. i didnt know then but i guess i was pretty good in the sack ( wish i had that problem NOW ) as soon as one girlfriend would talk about things then her friend would show me a little attention and i would move on to the next one. being nieve as hell because of the lack of social skills, i thought this was about normal. i really thought that keeping a girlfriend for more than a couple months was wierd. ( maybe thats why i am on my 2nd marriage and feel like its time to move on again… note to self) anyway towardsd the end of my senoir year i had bulked up a little bit, dont know how i guess my body finally caught up) any how, one of the same bullies that i had since the 7th grade had pushed me a little too far. now just so you dont think i am bull shitting, with what i am about to say let me just say this, i was scared as hell and almost wet myself. anyways Mr. bullie had just pushed me too far. i geuss my actions surprised him that he really didnt know how to react. it was the usual type of crap his repetative name calling over and over again. i ‘m not going to say what he said, because even to this day its the only thing that REALLY sets me off. but lets just say its “fag” so this is him at his locker, which of course was next to mine. “fag.fag,fag,fag.fag.fag,fag,fag,fag,fag.” ok get the picture? sooo. something snapped. i had just taken the books out of my locker for my next class and closed the door. i turned to look at him “fag,fag,fag,fag” he droned on. i turned to walk away, steeming. then i spun on him grabbed him by the throat and squeezed until his eyes staarted to bulge. i then leaned into him and wispered in his ear " if you bug one more time, i will KILL you" i let him go and i walked away. i could feel my self shaking all over, i wish i could say it was from the adrinalin (spelling?) but it was n’t, pure fear. at that point i really didnt care if i toted and ass wippin’ or not. after what seemed like forever i made it to my next class without any incident. of course now i was in fear the rest of the day, even the next going back to school expecting the worst. nothing. he never said nothing to me. the rest of the year nothing. Damn! why the hell didnt i do THAT 6 fucking years ago when the shit first started. a little advise if you are getting bullied take the ass whipping and confront the bully its a HELL of a lot better than going though life afraid.

another day gone by and i feel smothered, unable to breathe, bills piling up and cash flow at a trickle. i should be happy that i at least have a job. spent a dollar on a lottery ticket with hopes of winning some money to pay a bill or two.. deep inside i know i will only be let down.