When happiness doesn't work...

I ashamed of myself. I do terrible things and then vow never to do them again and then fail and end up doing them again. I went through a phase where I just drank myself stupid and slept around and tried to destroy myself. But for the last couple of months I haven’t touched drink or gotten with anyone, until last week I got drunk at my best friends house party and ended up sleeping with a good mate as well as making out with most of the people present at the party. I apologised after for my behaviour. And I felt so bad about it. Then last night, one of the people I was making out with at the party came to collect some of their stuff from my house and we were fine until he was leaving and then we ended up kissing and making out and almost having sex. And I probably would have to if it wasn’t him saying that it was going to fast for him. But he slept next to me all night and we cuddled. And I feel terrible. I feel awful, because I am so sick of myself and pathetic and desperate that if any guy shows me love and affection I am his. And it shouldn’t be that way. I did tell him though before hand that I was in a confused place and that I didn’t want a relationship or a fling or anything, just to be friends. I guess though when push came to shove I just haven’t got the strength to say no. I feel like I am that alone and starved of love and have so much low self esteem and still really in self destructive mode that I am just a huge danger to myself and should not be left anyone. And I don’t know what to do about. I don’t want to be like this!!! I don’t want to do this!! or be this person!! :( :( …but I can’t do it alone and I am alone.