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So my dad killed himself and I haven’t talked to anyone about it, so maybe if I vent online I can feel better. I know its long, so you don’t have to read all of it :/ Five months ago, March 31 I got a call from my no-longer step-mom. I knew it was something bad because I had a ton of missed calls from her and my Pastors wife. I also knew my Dad could have done something because he had been super depressed. You see, he got really into perscription pain killers and was high all the time. He was a police officer so when they found out he was taking drugs that weren’t his, they fired him because apparently (but no one else knew) you were supposed to tell your supervisor if you were taking medications that could interfere with your job. So, my dad got fired and hated himself for it. When I was in Tennessee for spring break, he bought some helium and drove to Petosky and went into a hotel room and killed himself. At first I hated him because it was so selfish, but now I miss my daddy. I was a daddy’s girl. Before, when I was suicidal and someone called the police on me, my dad came to me crying and said if I ever do it, he will too. How could he leave me? Now, my step-mom is really angry at me for not wanting to live with her, I love her, but I didn’t have the guts to tell her it was because she emotionally abused me. She swore and called me names. She told me she had no feelings for me and she couldn’t take me anymore, and once she told me she couldn’t wait until I left. She made me feel fat by telling me I eat too much. She threatened to make me pack my bags and leave. She used my moms name to insult me. She has pulled my hair and slapped me and pushed me up against a wall several times with her body and openly favoured my sister. After I decided not to live with her, she got even worse and refused to give me all of my stuff. She got so bad my sister got a restraining order. But I still love her. In fact, I want to live with her again. Weird? Probably. But for some reason I miss her. I actually want to be abused, probably weird also.
Bottom line, I miss my dad. I cry all the time, but I don’t tell anyone that. They all think I am over it, that I am a happy-go-lucky person. They think that my life is all good now that I am out of my abusive home, but its not. I wish someone would understand and just love me. I can’t show anyone I need it, but I do. Just love me.
8 comments
i now what you are talking about my mother killed her self.
Melody, people commit suicide because they fear the pain of living more than the pain of dying. They lose their fear of death – it is looked at as a relief from whatever their suffering is now. I have dealt with several suicides over the years, and there is never a clear answer as to why someone takes their own life. I would highly recommend a book by Thomas Joiner titled ‘Why people die by suicide’. It will help you to understand why someone would choose to die by their own hand. The author’s father also lost his father to suicide.
What do I want to become? Like for a job? I want to be a missionary… I want to share my saviour with others… why?
There isn’t a set way to feel, whatever you feel is the right way to feel. It’s one of the ways that make us all different. You do have to deal with it, I agree with that… but the people that say “you need to deal with it” are often so unsympathetic about it, no one can expect to wave a magic wand and click their fingers and expect you to suddenly be over it. It takes time, and the time it takes is different for everyone. You’ll be at peace with it in your own time.
The good thing about letting things out this way is that no one knows who you are, you have a mask of privacy and can get all your feelings out infront of you… although occasionally some idiot makes a lame and uninspired comment
Yeah. Its hard cuz im not sure how Im supposed to feel. My dad was the first person to die close to me. I keep ignoring that it happened but it keeps getting shoved in my face by stuff like tv or filling out applications for college when I had to mark that he is dead. I have been told I have to deal with it, so I thought maybe if I wrote it all down it would seem more real. But it still doesn’t feel real. Yeah, I know what you mean. And I feel bad telling people too because they have NO idea what to say. What do u say to a person who hurts so bad? I have heard sooo many cliches its no even funny. It does bother me to put myself and my feelings out there… I think your right, I feel vunerable and I don’t like that at all :/ Its also hard to talk to people cuz im afraid to get close… I don’t want anyone hurting me that bad again.
It’s a rough place… the world I mean, things happen that are unfair. And we feel tortured and tormented by it all… but things will get better. You let a lot of feelings and thoughts out today, How do you feel? I feel like I’ve had to expose my real feelings to everyone that matters… it makes me feel so vulnerable. They tell me they are proud I took such a step and that it should make me feel better… but so far I feel the same, theres no reactions that have helped me quite yet, I just feel like all I’ve done is put the feelings I kept guarded out on display… I hate that feeling.
Thats how it makes me feel… how about you?
If you feel like talking… about anything at all, feel free to talk with me.