These entries are for me, the reason why I feel I stay here.
One, anyway. The other I won’t mention.
Welcome to mind
A very familiar place perhaps.
I write as if someone may be reading, but that’s not entirely my intent. I kind of see it as one aspect of myself trying to communicate with another. That’s how I feel, divided. Divided against myself…how can I stand? Many can relate…
Could this be the faintest hint of happiness?
I’m always afraid… that as soon as something wonderful is ever mentioned aloud, it will shatter right before me. What if the words destroy it? Happiness is so fragile. I’m already screaming for you to break me. For anyone to. What will be their move? Will they make the attempt? I think they would. Don’t be so quick to judge, you say. Don’t be so quick to doubt I tell you through my eyes. Can you hear me? Of course not, I couldn’t make contact long enough. It was lost from the beginning. What am I trying to say. The hell if I know, just more words to fill the spaces. The space in this box, the space between my fingers, the spaces inside me. I read something I wrote awhile back… I flooded with emotion at the last sentence… what I had narrowed all the fillers down to. It was about this very thing, the voids that threaten to consume. ‘My words are becoming empty, empty yet they can fill pages and pages, empty because they have become meaningless and cannot seem to fill anything but a blank, white space. What about words that can fill someone’s heart? That’s just it. What about them.’ I just keep thinking… I wrote that. How hopeless I seem. The secret behind it, or perhaps the lie, is that I am still hopeful… yet sometimes I cannot help but curse hope itself. Sigh I cannot help but curse me.
I fear having so much to say to you today, and then tomorrow maybe… nothing. I tend to drift- a drifter I am. You’ll accuse me of not trying and I will know how to bite the bullet- you don’t think I already know of my weaknesses? Or are you here to remind me. To call me out. To challenge me to say different? I say the truth. I wasn’t trying. You are right. I’m scared I’ll continue to cling to this habit. That’s not what I want… I want something, someone to provoke a desire to fight back and never falter to stand my ground for someone. I have never fought for anything in my life, maybe because for so long I suppressed all my desires telling myself the same old pitiful story of fabrication. “You don’t want that” You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve anyone. You dare tell me you love me? Liar.