Peter Collins asked 08/12/2010:
I’m a University student from the United Kingdom and I will be starting my second year of study in September. Recently me and my girlfriend (who also attends the same Uni) decided to move in together. We signed all the contracts way back in March, paying all the deposits and etc…
Months past and I was starting to feel this was it…like I’ve found the “one”. I was excited about moving in with her, she was smart, kind and love spending time with her. I thought the feeling was mutual and she seemed to be looking for to it too, perhaps even more than me. To cut the long story short, we ended up moving in on the 1st of this month and everything seemed great for…a few hours.
By night time she was wailing and crying, saying she was ill. I tried to comfort her, but she wouldn’t have any of it. So I decided to sleep on the couch that night, just to give her space. In the morning, she had a really bad attitude and snapped at me over the tiniest of things. She broke down in tears again and stormed out of the house late morning.
A few minutes later she text me saying she would be staying at her parents (they live just outside the city, so she can commute). I asked her if it was me and she said it wasn’t. She came back to get some over night stuff an do wouldn’t even speak to me about it….
The next day, she said she wouldn’t ever move back in as my parents had got quite upset with her family over the situation. She keeps on reassuring me that I haven’t done anything wrong…saying that it was probably because she’s too immature and couldn’t handle that level of commitment.
I’m hurt as I really loved her, with all my heart and I just now feel that I’m such an awful person that even the person who says she loves me can’t even live in the same house as me for 24 hours. I begged her to give it another go, but all I got over the phone was “I don’t want to” She moved out officially a few days later. Since then she has pressuring to make a decision about a tenant or me moving out…which appears to me that all she cares about is money, not me…
So I’m currently left in this house alone. I can’t afford the rent by myself and I really don’t want to live with a stranger. I had other offers earlier in the year, but she was adamant about us just getting a place by ourselves…I even made her swear she wouldn’t so this too me.
My girlfriend still wants to be in a relationship with me, but I don’t know if I can ever trust her again. My parents want me to transfer to a similar Uni back home and complete my studies there. Whilst my friends just think its a minor set back and that we can start over with a clean slate… I’m not going to change in year or twos time, she knew everything their is to know about me. How won’t I know in a few years time when we decide to move in again, that she won’t do this again?
I come from a family that firmly believes in fate, my mum believes that my grandma will watch over me. I know this will sound stupid to some of you, but I flipped a coin 10 times and asked my Grandma to guide it with the right choice. Heads would mean I go home and change Uni. Tails would mean I soldier on and try and sort things out. Nine times out of ten it landed on heads… I just don’t know what to do, this is a major decision that will heavily affect my life path… If I did decide to stay at my current University, I don’t know if I could face her everyday (we are on the same course) if we did break up…
I know my problems are trivial compared to others on this site, but I feel like I could really ruin my life if I pick the wrong choice. any advice or support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
4 answers
another friend answered:
When you guys are dating, its fun and exciting for her and there is very little committment, but when you move in together, there is a mental switch in her head that moves you from the category of “boyfriend” into the category of “family” and ALL KINDS of emotional baggage from her upbringing/family will spill out on you…that’s what you experienced that first night.
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The same thing happens all the time with people who get married and suddenly the whole relationship changes. You should talk with her and help her understand her feelings, what caused it. You clearly had something special, I wouldn’t throw it away because of some buried emotional baggage, but with a reaction that extreme, there may be lots of emotional problems to sort through.
Johann Niemand answered:
This isn’t a trivial problem this is the pivot on which your whole life will turn this is the point what the rest of your life looks like.
From here it looks like it wasn’t at all what she expected, she may have realized some truths she never knew the day you moved in. Expectations and real life are sometimes really different. She covered her fears by getting “ill”. Instead of talking it through with you she fled back to her mother the next morning. Living with you may not be her actual problem. Since she still wants to be your girlfriend, get together and talk. Simply ask her what happened and listen. Then say ‘O, 0k.’ , without batting an eye and go home to think about what she said. Do not try to convince her of anything and no matter what happens do not try to explain yourself or justify anything.
More happened the day you moved in than either of you realized.
Cal OConnell answered:
Hi Peter,
Look first of all – if what you’ve written is true, you haven’t got any reason to think this is your fault. None at all.
It simply sounds like she isn’t ready to live under those circumstances or as you put it to that level of commitment. It certainly does sound like she possibly wasn’t completely honest with you when you both agreed to move in together – perhaps to protect your feelings? Who knows.
The point is you need to find out where you stand, one way or another. Being in limbo isn’t going to help you at all.
Yes it might be hard and yes it may not go how you hope – but in the long run it’ll be a damned lot better than hanging on like you are.
At the end of the day, you now need to do what is best for YOU. You’ve asked her, you’ve given her a chance to help make things right again. If she won’t then you need to concentrate on yourself and your course. Whether it means staying or going… well that’s up to you. Just be honest with her and yourself and the right thing for YOU will happen.
Hope that helps mate.
Cal
Karissa answered:
It seems to me that she’s thinking mostly about herself. She’s acting a bit selfish. Instead of having a conversation with her over the phone, or in text, you need to have a face to face discussion about where your relationship is going. Don’t let her run out, because she needs to stand her ground for the sake of the relationship. I believe in fate too, and (I konw this is cliche) but let her go, and if she doesn’t come back then it wasn’t meant to be. Good luck.